Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

We all have an inner dialogue, and a story looping in our heads about who we are, how others feel about us, and what is or isn’t possible for us.  This developed around the same time as our verbal speech.

Your inner dialogue and story is mainly comprised of things other people have said to you from your early childhood until now.  But this silent dialogue guides your actions, helps you think through problems, and sometimes chastises you for your mistakes. It operates about 10 times faster than your verbal speech, so sometimes you can miss it, and not know that it is operating in the background, regulating how you think and behave.

So that begs the question, is your inner story helping or hurting you?  Is it negative or positive?

For the longest time I thought I didn’t like sex.  Why? Because my husband and I had a mismatch in desire for sex (his was higher), it was a struggle to get in the mood even if I “kinda wanted to”, and my husband would flat out tell me “You don’t like sex and I do”, whenever we would discuss our sex life.

Well, one day after a failed attempt to have sex I was thinking about what was happening in our bedroom.  And I was asking myself, “How can I have more sex if I don’t even like sex?”.

Almost immediately,  another question popped into my head.  “Do you like sex?” It stopped me dead in my tracks of rumination! “Do I like sex?”, I asked myself.  The answer initially surprised me.

“Yes!”

I had always enjoyed sex, and remembered being excited for it in the past.  I remembered how energized I would get after having sex, and feeling like I was on Cloud 9!.

Yes, I liked sex! The sensations, the closeness and connection, and the afterglow.  But my current reality wasn’t showing that. My current reality was that I hardly wanted it, and it was a major struggle to get in the mood even when I did want to do it.  So why was I having problems?

My brain had lumped together my struggle to get in the mood and my husband’s frequent refrain that I didn’t like sex that created a dread for sex, and was telling me that I didn’t like sex even though I did.  That inner story had created a negative reality for me, a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. But now that I had identified the story, I could change it!

The key to interrupting the story and creating a new ending: Choosing differently. Instead of sticking with the status quo, I chose to question my story. The main question I asked was “Is this true about me?”, and then looking for evidence to support or refute it.  Many times what we believe about ourselves (the stories) are not true, and if we choose to ask questions we can find evidence to disprove it. I figured out that I did like sex, but not the struggle.  Then I was able to work on different ways to ease the struggle with getting in the mood.  And I don’t dread sex like I did before!

But what if the story I’d been telling myself were true? What if the evidence I came up with proved that the story was true?  The next question would be, “What can I do to change this truth?”

If you need to know or find something, most of us know how to “google it” and get out of a jam.  When asked, “Do you know XYZ?”, we often say, “No I don’t, but I can google it.”  It’s the same principle with choosing differently.  You believe that the information or change that are looking for is readily available to you! 

Nothing is a foregone conclusion unless you choose it to be.  Choose Differently!

If the story you are telling yourself has a negative energy, think about what you can add to change that energy to be more positive.  For example, my inner story can sometimes be narrated by a mean girl that I call Vivienne. Vivienne is always spouting lovely little gems of pessimism and discouragement.  When I’m checking myself in the mirror when I get dressed, she’ll frequently chime in with “You’ll always be fat.” A definite downer. It took me a while to realize that this was happening, and even longer to figure out how to address it.  Now, I counter it by saying, “F$&k you, Vivienne! I may not be a size 10, but I’ll keep exercising and eating well until I reach my goal.” Most days it works to get me out of the dumps, and to a place of lightness and optimism. And, I’ve seen positive changes in my weight as a result of this positive addition to my story.

The stories you tell yourself impact the reality of your life.  What story are you telling yourself around pleasure and sex? Is it your story or someone else’s story about you? Are you ready to change it?  Try asking yourself – Is this true about me?, and then- What can I add to the story to change the energy of it?

Choose Differently!