Blog | Life Love Libido

Sep 04

Cultivate Connection

Unless you’re a hermit living in a cave somewhere, you have interactions with others all day every day. And what do those interactions produce? Many times those interactions are very superficial, lacking quality and depth. How many times has someone asked you, “how are you doing?” and instead of telling them how you really are doing, you say “Fine. How are you?”. And that’s not to say that every person you meet has to know what things you are struggling with, but having someone you can go to when the proverbial shit hits the fan is vital to our wellbeing. So how do you cultivate connection?

Be Intentional

Connection is one of those basic needs that we can’t go without. It is as important as our need for food, water, and shelter. Without it, we fail to thrive in our lives. Unfortunately, we confuse contact for connection.

So, how can you be intentional? Make a list of 3 people you want to connect with this coming week. Instead of just liking their social media posts, pick up the phone and call them. Invite them for lunch or coffee. And don’t be on your phone the whole time. Look at them, and listen to what they have to say. It may be a bit awkward at first, but keep doing it. If one-on-one meetings are too intimidating, why not have a gathering of a few people. A Girls’ Night Out may be just the thing to help you connect with your friends.

Be Present

There are so many distractions vying for your time and attention, and in order to get everything done, it seems like we need to multitask. I used to be the queen of multitasking – chatting on the phone while doing other things. And often I would get off the phone wondering what I had just talked about and what was said to me. I was hearing, to make sure that I didn’t miss a part of the conversation that I was supposed to respond to, but I wasn’t listening. My undivided attention was missing. And what did that say about me? I was not valuing that interaction, that relationship, because I was hearing but not listening. To deepen a relationship, you have to truly listen to another person. That means giving your undivided attention. And if you are in their physical presence, you are turned toward the person, and looking them in the eyes. You notice the nonverbal cues being displayed. You engage and ask questions. And your goal is to listen to them…to understand, not to respond.

Be vulnerable

What mask do you wear for the world? Are you sharing what you are truly feeling, or are you just putting on a “happy” mask? Let’s get in our feelings. Drake was being vulnerable when he asked Kiki if she loved him and was going to have his back no matter what. Feeling safe in a relationship is a prerequisite for being vulnerable, but you also have to get over your inner mean girl telling you that your person “doesn’t want to hear about what you’re going through anyway”. Who do you feel safe to be vulnerable with?

We were made for relationship, to interact with each other, celebrate and support each other throughout life. Connect with those special people in your life. And if you need help planning an awesome Girls Night Out , CLICK HERE and give me 15 minutes and I’ll give you a Girls’ Night Out they’ll be talking about for years to come!

Mar 05

Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life

By Brandye Manigat | Blog

We all have an inner dialogue, and a story looping in our heads about who we are, how others feel about us, and what is or isn’t possible for us. This developed around the same time as our verbal speech.

Your inner dialogue and story is mainly comprised of things other people have said to you from your early childhood until now. But this silent dialogue guides your actions, helps you think through problems, and sometimes chastises you for your mistakes. It operates about 10 times faster than your verbal speech, so sometimes you can miss it, and not know that it is operating in the background, regulating how you think and behave.

So that begs the question, is your inner story helping or hurting you? Is it negative or positive?

For the longest time I thought I didn’t like sex. Why? Because my husband and I had a mismatch in desire for sex (his was higher), it was a struggle to get in the mood even if I “kinda wanted to”, and my husband would flat out tell me “You don’t like sex and I do”, whenever we would discuss our sex life.

Well, one day after a failed attempt to have sex I was thinking about what was happening in our bedroom. And I was asking myself, “How can I have more sex if I don’t even like sex?”.

Almost immediately, another question popped into my head. “Do you like sex?” It stopped me dead in my tracks of rumination! “Do I like sex?”, I asked myself. The answer initially surprised me.

“Yes!”

I had always enjoyed sex, and remembered being excited for it in the past. I remembered how energized I would get after having sex, and feeling like I was on Cloud 9!.

Yes, I liked sex! The sensations, the closeness and connection, and the afterglow. But my current reality wasn’t showing that. My current reality was that I hardly wanted it, and it was a major struggle to get in the mood even when I did want to do it. So why was I having problems?

My brain had lumped together my struggle to get in the mood and my husband’s frequent refrain that I didn’t like sex that created a dread for sex, and was telling me that I didn’t like sex even though I did. That inner story had created a negative reality for me, a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. But now that I had identified the story, I could change it!

The key to interrupting the story and creating a new ending: Choosing differently. Instead of sticking with the status quo, I chose to question my story. The main question I asked was “Is this true about me?”, and then looking for evidence to support or refute it. Many times what we believe about ourselves (the stories) are not true, and if we choose to ask questions we can find evidence to disprove it. I figured out that I did like sex, but not the struggle. Then I was able to work on different ways to ease the struggle with getting in the mood. And I don’t dread sex like I did before!

But what if the story I’d been telling myself were true? What if the evidence I came up with proved that the story was true? The next question would be, “What can I do to change this truth?”

If you need to know or find something, most of us know how to “google it” and get out of a jam. When asked, “Do you know XYZ?”, we often say, “No I don’t, but I can google it.” It’s the same principle with choosing differently. You believe that the information or change that are looking for is readily available to you!

Nothing is a foregone conclusion unless you choose it to be. Choose Differently!

If the story you are telling yourself has a negative energy, think about what you can add to change that energy to be more positive. For example, my inner story can sometimes be narrated by a mean girl that I call Vivienne. Vivienne is always spouting lovely little gems of pessimism and discouragement. When I’m checking myself in the mirror when I get dressed, she’ll frequently chime in with “You’ll always be fat.” A definite downer. It took me a while to realize that this was happening, and even longer to figure out how to address it. Now, I counter it by saying, “F$&k you, Vivienne! I may not be a size 10, but I’ll keep exercising and eating well until I reach my goal.” Most days it works to get me out of the dumps, and to a place of lightness and optimism. And, I’ve seen positive changes in my weight as a result of this positive addition to my story.

The stories you tell yourself impact the reality of your life. What story are you telling yourself around pleasure and sex? Is it your story or someone else’s story about you? Are you ready to change it? Try asking yourself – Is this true about me?, and then- What can I add to the story to change the energy of it?

Choose Differently!

Feb 06

Getting Real

By Brandye Manigat | Blog

I have a confession to make. I am a procrastinator. I’ll come through for others, but not myself. And in January, I realized it was time for that to change. I’m sick of being tired and using that as an excuse to prevent me from moving forward, I’m sick of distracting myself (with facebook and TV) because I’m afraid of failing, and I’m sick of letting myself off the hook and holding myself back.

Evelyn was sick of sweating in the boardroom, feeling like she didn’t belong in the “Boys Club”.

Susan was sick of feeling ashamed when she stepped on the scale in the bathroom.

Tracy was sick of feigning a headache every time her husband approached her for sex.

What do these ladies, and myself, have in common? We got real!

Getting real is the first step to creating change, whether it’s in, the boardroom, the bathroom, or the bedroom. When I finally admitted these things to myself, everything began to change. I began to trust myself, and believe that I would do what I said I would do. I encourage you to make a list of what you’re sick of, and notice how just that small step begins to create change.

Nov 20

Date Night with a Twist

By Brandye Manigat | Blog

When was the last time that you cultivated a close and loving relationship with yourself? Don’t worry, I’ll wait…That long, huh? Why?

I know the most common reason that comes up, “I’ve been busy”- work, the kids, my parents, work, the spouse, afterschool activities, domestic duties, did I say work?-the neverending saga that is your life.

How in the world can you get a minute to breathe, let alone connect with yourself. And don’t even get you started on sex, or the lack thereof, right?!?!

What’s missing from your life is You! What’s missing from the equation is your relationship with you. And I’m not just talking about knowing what your favorite color is, or how you like your coffee. I’m talking about knowing yourself, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and embracing her, taking her on a date, and making out with her in the car until the windows are all steamy (not literally, but you know what I mean).

There are 2 necessary components for intimacy to be established: time and a feeling of safety. Getting comfortable with yourself is not easy (cue the Victoria Secrets model). The standards that we and society hold us to can be daunting. And where do we fit in our own personality? When can we be ourselves? Never if we listen to others.

I want to give you permission to get to know yourself. I want you to get intimate with you, and here are the first steps to do that:

Find a comfortable, quiet place where you can be alone for 10-15mins. I know this may be hard to find. The bathroom (because you can lock the door) or the car before you walk into the house (as long as the kids aren’t in the back seat) are viable options
Put on your favorite relaxing music. Check out Pandora for some great stations. I like ‘Chill Out Radio’
In a journal or notebook, or hell, even in your note app on your phone, write out 3 things that excite you about you. This is the heavy lifting part for most people. Who wants to write good things about themselves? Not me! I hate writing good things about myself. I can never think of anything. But if you do this, I promise it will be good for your soul!
Rinse and repeat. I want you to do this for the next 5 days. Not a big commitment, right? At the end of the 5 days, take a look back over what you have written. Were there any surprises? Was there something you wanted to be on the list, that wasn’t?

Let me know how it goes in the comments or on the facebook page at www.facebook.com/lifelovelibido.

Here’s to Turning Up Your Sexy

Oct 23

Can a sex hiatus improve your libido?

By Brandye Manigat | Blog

The answer…It depends.

If you haven’t heard, Terry Crews (of Brooklyn Nine Nine, Friday, and Everybody Hates Chris fame) revealed that he and his wife of 25 years abstained from sex for 90 days to bring them closer together, and that at the end of it he is more in love, and more turned on by his wife. Does this sound crazy to you, or maybe crazy like a fox?

Now, don’t get me wrong, sex is an important part of an intimate relationship, and I am not advocating for all out abstinence (unless you’re under 18 years old, but that’s a different post). However, if the time is used to get to know your partner and grow together, it can do wonders! Intimacy is the basis for an enjoyable and fulfilling sexual experience, and intimacy is the goal of relationship. By learning more about your partner, and spending time outside of the bedroom, you can cultivate that intimacy. And sitting on the couch vegging out shouldn’t be your go-to method to cultivate intimacy. Ask each other questions. Experience new things together. Show affection. You do have to have a plan for cultivating intimacy, and not only do things together but also have quiet time together. If you can sit next to your partner in silence without feeling the need to “do something” or “say something”, it is likely that there is a great deal of intimacy already established, or there’s some unresolved issue, which leads me to my next point.

If you are withholding sex to punish your partner, that will definitely weaken your marriage, and your libido. Hard feelings, bitterness and resentment will kill sex drive like nobody’s business, and add an additional layer of discontent and tension to the relationship. If there’s an issue, address it and work to resolve it. If you can’t do it, just you two, get some outside help-a therapist, a trusted clergy, a mentor couple, or a friend you both trust. Don’t let things fester. That’s a hard place to come back from, trust me!

If you are not having sex regularly, you can begin to believe that you don’t need it…it’s not necessary. For most relationships, that is a lie! However, you don’t want to swing the pendulum in the opposite direction, substituting a relationship for sex, either. Sex is important, and has many benefits, including decreasing stress, and headache relief (No more, “I have a headache” excuses).

Have more questions about how to have your own sex hiatus, schedule a free 15 mins call with me by clicking here!

photo credit: Gage Skidmore

Feb 25

How Do You View Your Sex Life?

By Brandye Manigat | Blog

How do you see your sex life? Is it vibrant, exciting, passionate? Are your desires being met? Do you feel connected and empowered? If not, it may be your perspective.

Perspective -a mental view or prospect; the state of one’s ideas (Dictionary.com)

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are many number of reasons why your sex life may be lacking, but go with me…did you ever consider your attitude toward sex as a factor in how it is.

When you think of sex, do you convince yourself that you don’t feel like it, you’re not in the mood, its too hard to get there, I’m not going to enjoy it/its boring, I’m tired. These thoughts may be perpetuating you being stuck in a cycle of low sex drive.

The more you think you can’t do it, the more your body makes that your reality. Your mind is a very powerful tool in the battle to revive your sex drive. And your thoughts will influence how you experience an event. if you have negative thoughts, your experience will be negative. And vice versa, if you have positive thoughts, your experience will be positive. This is not due to just some woo woo energy out in the universe kind of way, but more of you deciding how much time/money/value you invest in something. This is true for sex as well.

The more positive attitude toward sex you have, the more likely you are to enjoy it, invest in both you and your partners enjoyment, and you’ll make time for it.

So how do you change your perspective? Follow these 3 steps:

1)Start by recognizing when you are having a negative thought about sex. It’s likely that these thoughts are not coming up out of the blue, but are happening in response to a signal from your partner (verbal or non) that sex is desired, and you start thinking of reasons why its not going to go down. Recognize and acknowledge the reason(s) that come up, and

2)then ask yourself, Am I really not wanting sex right now? You may be surprised that you are not as opposed to sex as you thought. But if the answer is “Yes, I don’t want sex right now”, that is OK too. I want you to think about what would have to change in order for you to want it right now. Just one thing that by changing it would make you more likely to feel like having sex.

3) Do that one thing. Or if its something you need your partner to do, put it out there and let them know, “I’d like to have sex with you too, but I’m feeling ___________ about the dishes/kids’ homework/laundry/argument from last night/whatever, and it would really help me if you could take care of _____________, and then I’ll meet you in the bedroom in 20mins. During that time, you then go prepare yourself for something special. Take some time for you. Take a shower, put on some lingerie, rub on some fragranced body lotion, just do something that will help get you in the mood. And then go for it.

You’d be surprised at what magic can happen when you change your perspective.

Mar 04

Know when to say when

By Brandye Manigat | Blog

How long has it been since you’ve thought about sex? A day? A week? A month? A year? Whew, that’s a long time! If you don’t already know, I want to tell you that you are neglecting yourself! You probably are thinking “I’m always neglecting myself. I already don’t get enough sleep, or eat right, or exercise like I should. So why should I even be thinking about sex?” Well, let’s talk about that…

Why should you think about sex? There’s a whole host of benefits that come from having sex, two of which are better sleep and calorie burning. Look at that, you are multitasking by having sex. You can also get creative with some fruit, like strawberries or grapes, and BAM you’re eating healthier. You can honor those New Years resolutions to get in shape and take better care of yourself, all while decreasing stress and having fun!

What is your natural sex cycle? Are you so used to saying no, that you can’t recognize when your body is saying yes. Your body has a rhythm that is unique for you, and is dependent on many factors that can throw off your rhythm or distract you from recognizing your body’s signals. Sex is a vital part of your personality. Knowing your rhythm allows you to honor it.. Notice when your mind wanders to sexy thoughts, or even when you are aware of certain sensations like your blouse gliding across your skin. This is the beginning of recognizing your body’s signals for sex. You also want to be aware of what may be blocking you from acknowledging your sensual thoughts and sensations. By attuning to both, you are working toward creating balance in your life around sex. This way, you are better able to know when you want to have sex and when you are just saying no out of habit.

The more you think about sex and get in tune with your senses, the more you will desire sex. I’d love to work with you, and show you how to tap into your sensual side so that you think and feel more sexy. Click here to signup for an exploratory session with me for free!

Mar 04

Is Inadequate Sleep Killing Your Sex Drive?

By Brandye Manigat | Blog

Sleep deprivation not only kills you desire, but your enjoyment of sex as well. If sex does happen, you may be thinking to yourself, “I can’t wait til this is over so I can go to sleep”. You are cheating yourself out of the wonderful experience that great sex can be. When you are well rested, you are able to be present in the moment, attuned to the wonderful sensations that come from touching and being touched. Your mind is freed up to be more creative, you are free to be adventurous because you aren’t limited by physical fatigue. When your body does not regenerate properly, something has to give.

Waking up early and going to bed late…this is your usual routine. And every day you find yourself to be dog-tired. You partner approaches you for sex and you’re like “yeah right, I’m too tired”. Or maybe you both are so exhausted that you fall into bed every night, asleep before your head even hits the pillow. And you wonder why you don’t feel connected, and can’t feel the intimacy that you once felt. Well, you are neglecting one of your basic human needs: Rest. There is a time to be active, but there also needs to be a time of rest. Our bodies were not created to perform optimally at the frenetic pace society promotes. Without adequate rest, our bodies begin to fall apart. We get clues, but often ignore them, or we use things to boost our energy so we can make it through the day.

So, how much is adequate? Ideally, we should be getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night. When this is our regular routine, we are more pleasant to be around, our overall health is better, and we have a sense of wellbeing. We are open to more experiences, including sex. Have you ever noticed when you go on vacation and you get more sleep, you also have more sex? Granted, part of the uptick is probably due to a new/different environment, but don’t discount the power of adequate sleep to transform your sex life.

Nov 04

Get Your Sexy Back

By Brandye Manigat | Blog

Sex is an important part of life, and contributes to your well-being

You may be asking yourself, “Where’d my sexy go?” Well, the most likely answer is that it is being stifled by life. There are too many tasks to be completed and not enough time in the day, right? Our day-to-day busyness hinders our ability to “check-in” with ourselves, and entertain our sexual thoughts, fleeting as they may sometimes be. But sex is an important part of life, and contributes to our general feelings of well-being!

Take Care of Yourself

Self-care is the first step to rediscovering your desire and libido. You have to give yourself permission to care for you. That means a few things. Regular exercise and adequate sleep is so important to your outlook on life, and is essential for you to even have the energy to THINK about sex instead of falling into bed night after night in exhaustion. For women, desire starts in the brain and what you think about is what you want and do. Giving yourself permission to take a breather, even if it’s for 5 minutes a day, can really increase your desire.

Deal with Relationship Issues

Sometimes you’re not interested in sex because you are angry with your partner, or have some unresolved resentments that don’t allow you to freely connect with your partner. It’s important that you resolve these issues with your partner so that you can have a healthy relationship. This may involve a professional counselor or spiritual leader, who can give an unbiased perspective to the situation.

Have Fun Outside of the Bedroom

Good feelings cultivated outside of the bedroom may stimulate more time in the bedroom. Spending time together doing something new may be enough to spark a flame. Some examples might be taking a cooking class together, exploring a new city, or exercising together. The activity itself doesn’t matter as long as it is new and exciting.

Get Your Sexy Back

Think about what makes you feel sexy, and do that! It can be as simple as playing a certain song or going to the salon for some pampering. If you want to be more elaborate you can schedule a boudoir photo shoot and surprise your partner with the pictures. Do whatever makes you feel good!

See Your Doctor

There are times when a low libido is due to a medical problem like thyroid disease or depression. It’s important to speak with your doctor so that you can be tested and treated.

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Perspective -a mental view or prospect; the state of one’s ideas (Dictionary.com)

The more positive attitude toward sex you have, the more likely you are to enjoy it, invest in both you and your partners enjoyment, and you’ll make time for it.